WORKMEN, KOALAS AND RELIGIOUS VIGILANTES

It's been raining in Sydney. Storms, hail, thunder, lightning, dogs, cats, panda’s. You name it, we’ve had it. Our neighbours have decided to start doing some major work to their house which basically involves a skip truck reversing down the steep driveway outside our front door every day at seven in the morning. The workmen then have a chat, catch up on old times whilst leaving the engine ticking over. After maybe ten minutes they unload the empty skip and pick up the full one, then drive it away. Passed my fucking front door. It's like living in the middle of a building site. Then they start with the pneumatic drill for most of the morning followed by the occasional dumping of whatever they dug up. It makes a fantastic crashing noise. Tell you, I'm about ready to snap.

On the plus side we have been going in and out of the city on the ferry. One day last week on the way back, we were sitting outside, the sun was out, not a cloud in the sky it was all good when the captain comes over the speaker. 'Ladies and gentlemen if you look directly ahead you'll see a pod of dolphins.’ He says. Of course everyone goes nuts and sure enough as we're pulling in to Manly Wharf there are about thirty dolphins swimming past us. Pretty cool. In fact I'm so excited I tell a few complete strangers about it on the way back towards our house. They're like 'Really? Dolphins?' and they start looking out to sea, by which time of course, the dolphins are long gone and they hate me.

The Pope was in town a couple of weeks ago and honestly it felt like he was here forever. All these kids with brightly coloured flags walking around the city in groups a little like spiritual vigilantes. And, get this; they all have exactly the same backpacks. Red and yellow jobbies with World Youth Day printed on them. Maybe they're Vatican issued but it's a little strange. You can be sitting in a food court in the city, eating your sandwich or drinking coffee and suddenly the place will erupt with Chile's Holy Saint of Our Mother's Choir blaring out in full song singing happy birthday to someone called Rodrigo. And you cannot get away from these guys. They're everywhere. They're on the ferry, outside parks, at the wharf, even outside my house. How they find me with their John Lennon guitars and poorly played tambourines I don’t know. Do you remember, in school, the tambourine was always given to the kid with no sense of rhythm? Well that’s these guys, and they can’t sing either.

Tell you another weird thing that happened. We were walking through Manly the other day and we get to the beach. It had been raining quite hard but the sun was coming out. You know that sky where it's pretty much black but yellow sunlight streams from part of it creating rainbows and crap. Well that was what was going on here. Except as we looked out to sea at the forming rainbow we saw a funnel of a tornado, in the middle of a rainbow! The twister hit the ocean surface and started whipping it up. It was the weirdest thing and yet somehow quite beautiful.

Okay, I know what you're thinking. Dan's gone soft. I thought this was supposed to be a funny blog. When's it get funny? Huh? Say something witty, funnyman. Hurry up!
I don't know if it's just me but when the birds sing here it sounds like someone's being strangled. It's not like at home where they tweet, shut up then tweet again. These things moan about their breakfast, play some cards and then have a good laugh about it in the tree. I swear it feels like I'm in the middle of the Amazon sometimes.

Went to a koala sanctuary the other day. Those dudes are about the cutest things I've ever seen and in this place you can pet them and give them leaves and crap. Of course I end up next to this woman who listens in to my conversation with Alison. Here's a sample

Alison: (overhearing someone calling the koala a bear) Oh, is it a bear.
Me: Yes, it's a bear.
Alison: Really? You don't think of them as bears.
Annoying woman next to me: Actually it's not a bear, koalas are marsupials I don't know why everyone calls them bears. They're not bears.
Me: Shut the hell up.

Okay that last part was me getting carried away, I didn't say that but like Jesus lady, go bore someone else with your abnormal knowledge of koalas.

I've been feeling a little homesick recently as well. Hadn’t really hit me until recently. I don't know, just miss being able to go down the pub or grab lunch with friends I don't have to try with. It's been a little over six months since we left and I guess when you're travelling and doing loads of things you're distracted and don't think about it but maybe since we've stopped and since all the issues we have had with accommodation and money, I don't know. I kinda miss you guys.

Jesus, is he ever going to start saying funny crap? I didn't subscribe to this for a bunch of whiney, depressing crap. I get enough of that at home. Come on Dan, pull your finger out and start being funny or I'm just going to stop reading, mid sentence. Oh...where'd he go?

HOME AND AWAY, BILLS AND FRAGGLES

Well looky what we have here. Dan's got a new blog out. He said he was stopping, that guy is such a lying a-hole. I know he wrote that last one but he said he probably wouldn't be writing another for a while. Right, never believe a word this guy says, I think that's the moral of the story. Well I might think about reading it if it's short. We can't all be messing about on beaches every day, some of us actually have proper jobs.

Yeah so, it's a few days before we move out and I get an email from the people who own the house. They say they've received a $500 internet bill! What the...? Turns out, because they use this 3G wireless thing to connect to the internet it costs more...a lot more. And you know what else, the phone company bill you for just being connected to the damn thing. Isn't that just the biggest kicker you ever heard? Well maybe not for you, but for us it was devastating. We'd been going off shopping and for walks along the beach with the bloody thing connected. No one told me, no one explained any of this. UGH! What the hell else can go wrong here? First we lose our free accommodation, now this. We were once again plunged in to fits of depression. When will this end, how many more nasty surprises? Anyway, we pull ourselves together and just get over it. It's only money isn't it?

Strangely, ten minutes after reading the $500 email, Alison gets a call from the extras agency she signed up to saying they need her to be an extra on some Ozzy police drama called The Cut. They ask her if she knows any guys that might be able to come along at short notice...she says she does and volunteers me! Cheers fiancée! I have to say extra work isn't something I particularly saw myself doing at age thirty but what the hell, we need the money and it might be fun. Turns out we get paid to go to a beach just south of Bondi and watch half-naked girls playing volleyball! I know, it's an utter travesty.

We were asked to be part of the crowd cheering for the Australian volleyball team. So I get changed into my swimming shorts and t-shirt. As I’m walking towards the set, one of the wardrobe girls pulls me aside and says 'I think I can use you for something else, follow me.' Uhh okay. So I wander over to another trailer and she gets me to put on a suit. I am then escorted over to this volleyball court they've constructed and told to sit in the 'V.I.P.' area. I crack a couple of funnies to the guys sitting beside me. It's about twenty minutes later I realise that the two people next to me are the lead characters and they are filming the scene right here. GET IN THERE. So I got a starring role in the show which I'm sure I'll never see but weird how that all worked out. Ironically, the money we got from that job pretty much paid for the internet bill.

Moving day comes and we need to pack up all of our stuff and move to the flat in Manly. Now, I know what you're thinking. What stuff? You had one backpack, what the hell is there to pack? Well this is true but we have bought a couple of things since we got here. Like books and magazines for Alison, some extra t-shirts for me, a pet Kangeroo who I affectionately called Joey... We actually had to make two trips...oooo I hear you say, two trips. Look, if you're going to be sarcastic I'm not going to carry on, okay?

So the place we'd found to live in is perfect. It's cosy, the bedroom is also the kitchen which also triples as the living room but it's all nice. I did a little video on Facebook for those of you who really have nothing better to do. The lady who owns it has left all her pots and pans and sheets and things. She also left this bright neon blue, furry blanket on the bed. I swear it looks like they took a large, blue Fraggle, squashed him then rolled him out as far as he’d go and sold him off as a bed throw. Now I take animal rights pretty seriously and I think killing Fraggles is frankly not on, but it does get a bit chilly at night so I'll keep it to myself for now.

Alison got another call from the extras agency last weekend asking her to be in Home and Away. Rock on! So we drive about half an hour up the road, where they're shooting it. She has to be a caterer serving food to people at some posh house. I went to pick her up and saw the whole cast walking towards the trailers to get changed and I have to say I don't recognise one of them. At least with Neighbours they've still got Lou and Harold, but that's shot in Melbourne and I’ll be damned if I’m driving all the way out there for one job. No, I don’t care if Libby asked for me personally. With all this extra work Alison thinks it's a good idea that I sign up as well. I have to say, I'm dubious but what the hell, in for a penny in for a pound.

In the midst of all this we have also booked our wedding venue for May next year. Ooo I hear you all cry. Yeah it's this stunning castle thing outside Barcelona. Alison's had it on her favourites for about a year. We're starting to plan the wedding now and I gotta say, it's more complicated than I thought. I'm looking forward to swimming in the infinity pool and tasting the Cava they make on the property. Yes, did I mention it has 300 acres of vineyards...nice!

Well, I guess that's about all that's fit to print. See, that wasn't so bad was it? Relatively short and painless. Where have I heard that before?

RAIN, MANLY APARTMENTS AND LEADING MEN

Okay, I know I said I probably wouldn't write unless there was something to tell. Luckily, since we've arrived there have been a couple of not insignificant incidents which I thought I'd share with you. I know what you're thinking, 'No, Dan I've got myself another blogger now. You can't just drop me whenever you feel like it and expect me just to carry on where we left off, it doesn't work that way.' All I can say is...I know who you really love, it's pointless to pretend, don't fight it.

The most important and immediately pressing thing is the fact we don't have sixth months free accommodation, as I previously thought. Of course, it's totally my fault, should have really broached the subject with the guys that -

a) own the house we were staying in and
b) the people who are actually paying rent and living here.

Doh! So we discovered this minor detail about two weeks ago and I swear it felt like our trip was over. See, the thing is, we had budgeted our year away banking on the fact that we would have accommodation when we got to Sydney. So this turn up for the books put a lion amongst the pigeons. We also thought the house would be empty. When we arrived we were surprised to find there were tenants. When we revealed to them how long we were planning to stay, so were they. The people that own the house are old friends of my dad and that puts him and them in a bit of a crap situation. Alison's parents have been ridiculously kind and lent us some money so we can stay and find somewhere to live. In short, it was a bit of a mess and all pretty much my fault so I felt like poo. Alison also felt rubbish as everything we were expecting in Sydney has turned out to be something quite different, but hey, that's life. At least there's good weather here right? Well... no.

The weather has been rubbish as well. It all started nicely, I went for sunny walks along the beautifulcoastline. Life was good. Then this all happens, the weather turns crappy and it literally hasn't stopped raining since.

(As an aside, it's dinner time and my ears have picked up the TV. There's a commercial saying '...the symptoms are not always easy to identify, and what you could have is genital herpes. For more information...' I swear I nearly spat out my orange juice. I mean Jesus, I know they're trying to improve public awareness but I don't particularly want to see that stuff at this time of the day. I'm trying to eat guys...come on. Anyway...)

We meet up with my one friend who lives in Sydney, Andre. I have known this guy forever. His wife, Mel, is expecting their second kid in July. It's really nice to see them again. Not just because I haven't seen them for two years but also it's just good to see familiar faces after travelling for so long. We both loved seeing Jayden, their little boy and Bella, the dog. I'm trying to persuade Alison to get a labrador and I think all this dog mingling is working, she seems to be coming around to the idea.

Alison signed up with an extras agency because she's always wanted to be an extra on film sets (and she's sad). Her first day was working on some dodgy Ozzy film called False Witness. They were filming at the Olympic Stadium and she got to dress up as a secret agent. The best story she told me, apart from this Brazlian trying to get in her pants all day (what do you expect, he's Brazilian), was when she sat down next to a guy and said 'Hi, are you an extra as well?' To which he gave her a shocked look and, trying desperately to contain the rage welling up inside him he muttered 'No, I'm the lead.' before stomping off to his trailer. Apparently he's quite well known here but she had no idea who he was. His reaction was classic though.

So we have to find a place and quickly. We decide we want to stay in Manly. (which some of you have pointed out as perfect for someone like me). Manly is 30 minutes ferry ride from the centre of Sydney and is in my opinion, the worlds best commute. However, house prices there are ridiculously high, so that's out the window. We try looking along some of the other Northern Beaches, Curl Curl, Freshwater or Dee Why. Problem is hardly any of these places come furnished and we have, well not a lot of stuff. I do have a souvenir Mate cup and decorative wine casket but somehow I'm entirely convinced those will make the place 'feel like home.'

We visit a few estate agents, most of whom look at us like they just scraped us off their shoe. Here's a sample conversation:

Me: Hi there, we'd like to rent an apartment in the area.
Dopey Blonde Receptionist: Okay.
Me: About **** a week.
Dopey Blonde Receptionist: Okay.Me: Do you have anything furnished?
Dopey Blonde Receptionist: No, sorry.
Me: Nothing? I know they're hard to come by...
Dopey Blonde Receptionist: Yeah, they are.
Me: Can I leave our details in case anything comes up?
Dopey Blonde Receptionist: No. We don't take people's details.
Me: Right.

It was kinda frustrating. Don't get me wrong, it may have been bad manors to interrupt her nail polishing session but I felt I had a legitimate claim to her time. So we try a few other esate agents, not much else around.

Eventually we walk back in to Manly again, about ready to offer ourselves up as quality shark food, when we pass an agent we had missed. In the window there was a sign saying 'Furnished Properties.' We wander in, see one we like and set up a viewing. It's in a place called Fairlight about 15 minutes walk from Manly...get in there!

We walk down the steep driveway and are greeted by Jackie, the English woman who owns the place. As we step inside, I'm confronted by the biggest plasma TV I've ever seen. The apartment is small but god it's nice. It's officially classed as a studio but it's really big and everything is new. New fridge, new kitchen, new bed, new sugar bowl. We love it immediately and hit it off with Jackie. She's going to leave us all her kitchenware and even offers to transfer the broadband to us if we want 'it's got unlimited downloads.' Man, this just gets better and better. There is a car parking space (our friends have very kindly let us have their car until they come back from London) and there's even a new mountain bike sitting in the garage just begging to be used. Outside, we're right next to a harbour and a very agreeable coastal path. You can hear the sea lapping at the rocks from our patio. Sea air permeates everywhere and the smell is amazing. We're exactly where we want to be. Fab!

So I guess things work out for the best in the end. It was pretty hairy for a while there and we actually seriously considered coming home. We even looked up the price of the flights but then realised we couldn't afford that either. But sometimes life just pulls together and things slot in to place. I'm sure next time I write there will have been some other crisis like I decide I want a sex change operation but can't front up the deposit or something. This was definitely one of the biggest we've had since leaving and I think we came out, almost untarnished. For those of you shouting at the screen sayinng 'What about Alison's hair?' I'm happy to report she went to a Toni and Guy here and the 'guy' has repaired the damage and you wouldn't know anything bad had happened. 'There is a God!' I hear you all cry. And believe me I'm with you on that. So all in all things are looking peachy again. I seem to have trouble pooing but apart from that...

THE FINALE - HAIRCUTS, SUPERSHUTTLES AND MERRILLS

So having jumped on a bus back to Mendoza, a strange feeling is slowly starting to come to realisation. Our trip in South America is almost at an end. I'm not quite sure how to feel about this, afterall it seems only yesterday we were saying tearful goodbyes to our parents at the airport. Yet nearly five months later here we sit, staring out of a window on a bus heading North through the winelands of Argentina. In two days we'll be in New Zealand, strange how fast time flies.
Anyway, enough of this depressing crap. Here's a classic anecdote.

We decide that it might be cheaper to get our haircuts in Mendoza rather than waiting till we get to Sydney. So we wander along the various streets trying to find a reputable hairdresser. Eventually we come across this place, it's small and you have to be buzzed to be allowed in. Somehow the alarm bells did not ring. They didn't even ring when we saw the other clients in there and the various dodgy beehive incarnations that were being created. By now, of course we're well used to no one speaking English but one of the customers does and translates for the girl who greets us. The customer, by the way, is having her eyebrows tinted and it looked like a hammer horror movie. Something didn't feel quite right but what the hell you only live once. I immediately volunteered Alison to go first. 'How much?' I asked.
'Thirty pesos each.' The woman replied. I nodded.
Unsure, Alison went to have her hair washed. She kept glancing at me, a concerned expression on her face. I looked around telling myself this was going to be one great haircut for the both of us. I heard a yelp from Alison. The girl washing was being a little rough but I thought nothing of it. Alison was then bought over to the chair where we were introduced to this seventy year old guy, with long grey hair in a ponytail and a slight twitch in his eye. Strange, kinda assumed it would be one of the women doing it, where did this guy come from? Oh well, this is going to be great.
'They didn't condition it.' Alison whispered as she sat down on the chair. Bit strange again but my mind immediately started replaying moments from the latest Bourne film and I quickly forgot any concerns. I did notice, however, the guy take out his cut-throat razor. 'I'm sure he's a professional.' I hummed to myself. He then applied the razor...to Alisons hair. Actually started cutting it. Of course Alison, being the patient, understanding person she is put up with this for about a second before launching in to
'Uhh...no! Scissors!' The guy looked almost surprised.
'You want scissors?' He asked, no hint of irony in his voice.
'Yes please.' Alison said with a Chandler-esc incredulity. She looked at me in the mirror. You could almost see the idea forming in her head. 'I've made a terrible mistake.' She didn't move however and the guy carried on cutting. I noticed he seemed to be yanking clumps of her hair and snipping here and there with no discernible plan. 'I don't remember them doing it like that in our salon at home' I thought to myself. I noticed a line forming around the middle of her hair where he apparently wasn't bothering to make any effort in layering. It suddenly occured to me that the way the man was cutting her hair would be kinda like the way I would cut a girls hair...if I had no idea what I was doing!
Oh dear. This is going to be bad I thought. It occurred to me to raise the issue with Alison but I didn't want to get in to trouble so I kept quiet. She had only asked for a trim but as I glanced at the floor, there appeared to be great clumps of hair. Hmmm. Not good. And yet, still, I did nothing. The man started to blowdry it, Alison having to show him how to use the brush to give it a vaguely straight look. He finished, she looked at it. She knew. I knew. 'What's this?' She asked, pulling bits of her hair around and showing him. 'This bit is longer than this.' Then she noticed the line around her head, the lack of layering. Oh god.
'There's a massive line here. You've ruined my hair! I only wanted a trim!' He protested his innocence but I felt I should get involved. So I came out with the classic line 'Have you ever cut hair in your life before?'
The man seemed to take offence but I actually asked it with genuine curiosity. Alison was starting to get upset. I asked how much.
'Fifty pesos.' He replied. Say what?
'Hang on, you said thirty.'
'Blowdry, extra.' I blinked. Alison got there before me.
'So you ruin my hair, hack it to pieces and you want to charge us double the price!' She looked at me. I knew what she was expecting, be the man. Sort this dufus out. Take charge. And I did, in best way Dan can. I paid him and we left.
Alison was crying all the way back to the hotel, and pretty much the rest of the day. In fact, now I think about it most of the week. It was like she went in to some sort of weird mourning. I kept trying to reassure her. 'It's okay, it will grow back. Another hairdresser will fix this, no problem.' Nothing I said worked. In fact she came back at me with even more venom.
'It's ruined, the wedding will be ruined.' She replied.
'The wedding isn't til next year.' I attempted to say.
'Don't care, everythings ruined.' Man did she go on about it.

So we jump on another bus over the Andes leaving Argentina and most of Alison's hair behind. It's one of the most beautiful bus rides I've been on and certainly the curviest road I've ever seen. We arrived in Santiago and stayed in a nice hotel called the Orly in the rich district. I would elaborate but our last night in South America was quiet and unremarkable. We did feel sad to be leaving and as we sat on our bed watching Vote 2008 via Dominican Republic TV I thought 'I'm gonna miss this place.' Still, can't hold on to these things, I'm sure the next adventure is just around the corner.

The next day we fly to Auckland. It's another Lan flight and I hear grumbles from some of the passengers as they realise the plane doesn't have individual TV's. So we settle in, put the blanket over us and try to get some shut eye. I don't know how long I was sleeping before I was woken by the people next to me speaking rather loud Spanish. Being one not to make a fuss, I turned over and tried to carry on sleeping but damnit they had woken me up and were now speaking so loudly I thought they must have had some kind of hearing impairment. I waited about five minutes before saying 'Excuse me, would you mind keeping it down I'm trying to sleep. Sorry.' I like that little apology at the end. Gives it a kind of 'not my fault you're so bloody loud' feeling. They all turned to me, and, looking suitably miffed shut up. Nice. Of course now I was awake I couldn't get back to sleep but that's neither here nor there.

Of course it's winter in the Southern Hemisphere and we were expecting rain and nastiness but actually it was rather pleasant. We arrived at 0400 and went to our hotel right in the middle of Auckland and had a little nap. We wake up the next day and wander around the city and decide to go to Waiheke Island about 30 mins by boat from the mainland. Everyone keeps telling us it's paradise here and they were not wrong. It is absolutely stunning. Has a real community feel, nice beaches and best of all some of the most stunning views of vineyards I've ever come across. We went to this one vineyard called Mudbrick which had a 360 degree view of the island! Jealous yet? Thinking you might come out to Auckland afterall?

So when it was time to leave Auckland we got picked up by this Supershuttle van thing, where they take multiple passengers to the airport and it's less than a regular taxi. At 0625 we get a call saying the driver is going to be a little early so when we're ready just head outside. We finish packing and are outside around 0635. I say good morning to the driver. He's like 'You're going to make the other passengers late?' Huh?
'Sorry?' I replied.
'You were supposed to be out at 0625, now I'm going to be late with the drop off.' Injustice screamed out of my very being.
'We booked you for 0645! The guy on the phone said don't hurry. We're early as it is.' I tried to reason.
'0645? Well what time were you hoping to catch your flight?' He asks practically throwing my luggage in to the trailer. This guy is stirring the beast inside.
'I don't have time for this crap.' I actually said that.
'I just asked you how you thought you'd get to the airport for an 0800 flight by leaving here at 0645.' Now I'm angry.
'Our flight is at 0900! Doesn't take an hour to get to the airport on a Sunday morning and if the other people have to be at the airport for 8 then maybe you should have sent another van!' I yank open the door to the van and climb in. That shut him up. We got evils from all the other passengers.
'It's not our fault.' I pleaded. But they had already pronounced judgment. SOB's. By the time we got to the airport I think he realised the mistake was his and he started calling me sir. What a dick.

Nevermind, we got to the airport and caught the flight to Christchurch. The Supershuttle driver took us take us straight to Addington Jail. Or rather Jailhouse Hostel which used to be Addington Jail before it was converted. You actually get to sleep inside the cells. Really echoey and atmospheric. At night we sat in and watched the Shawshank Redemption. I wanted to start rattling the bars or get a tattoo but Alison didn't let me. We had our first roast for four and a half months and my first pint of Guinness in an Irish pub. Tell you what, it was great. How I've missed these little pleasures.

Then we go to the airport and catch our final flight. To Sydney. Where we will be for the next six months. As we go through New Zealand customs we get an official who looks like she's at the end of her shift. Brill.
So we approach. 'I notice you've only stayed here for four days, any reason for that?' She asks, peering over her glasses at me.
'Well, we've been travelling around South America and kinda ran out of money. We were going to spend two weeks here but we've been here before so we changed our flights.' This statement does not impress her.
'You ran out of money in South America? It's dirt cheap there.' She stares at me. What is this?
'Brazil isn't, Chile isn't...' I try to counter
'I've been there four times I know what things cost.' O..kay.
'So I see you're going to Sydney, how long are you staying there?' Bollocks.
'Uhh...six months?' I reply tentatively.
'So you're spending six months in Sydney and four days in New Zealand.' Her face looked like it was tightening up for a punch.
'Umm...yes.' I don't mean to offend you, dear woman, but can we get the passport stamped and allow me through. 'But we're planning to comeback in October, so we'll spend all the money we make in Sydney, here.' A sly grin on her face. That's more like it. STAMP, STAMP.
'Enjoy your trip to Sydney.' She says, deadpan. Thanks...I think.

A Tribute to My Merrill Ventilators
Dear Merrills, I just want to say thank you for not giving up on me, these last few months. You've been there, through thick and thin. Through hot and cold, dry and wet. You never gave me a blister even when I walked for 3 days straight. My feet were as untouched by the earth when I took them off as when I had put them on. In the heat you were cool. In the wet...well, no one's perfect. We trudged across glaciers and deserts. Hiked up mountains and down beaches. Along city streets and dusty roads. You were there for me every step of the way. No complaining, no fuss. Just there. With me. On my journey. My blister kit remained untouched as I stand in awe of your comfort. This is not an advertisement, nor is it an arse-kiss for Merrill. It is merely a thank you note from me to a very special pair of shoes.

We arrive in Sydney, the chap living at the place we're going to stay at picks us up from the airport. Mitch has the flu and has been off work all day but he still drove all the way to the airport anyway. Nice guy. We drive to the house our friends have let us stay at. It's beautiful. It's huge and has a view of the valley and in the distance, the sea. Immaculately designed and perfect for our needs, I couldn't have asked for more. They've even let us use their car. That Christmas present for them is going to have to be a sail boat or private jet or something. Mitch's girlfriend, Pipper has a lovely little dog called Audrey who I take for walks along the coast.

But this is where I leave you. I'm going to knuckle down, do some writing and enjoy life here for six months. I will post new blogs when there are stories to tell but they will not be as regular.
What's this Dan, you're leaving us? But...but...why? Did I do something? Was it something I said. No. Please! Come on, I need your blogs, what am I supposed to read when I'm bored at work and surfed every site I can think of?
Who else's writing style can I ridicule as much as yours? What am I supposed to delete if I don't get any more of those silly group messages in my inbox...crap I really enjoyed deleting those! Damnit Dan, I'm invested and you chose now to just walk away. Well screw you. You don't get to walk away from me, I'm going to unsubscribe from you HA!

Thank you for being with us on our journey, I hope I've shared some of the more quirky, entertaining stories with you. If nothing else, at least it was a way to kill time when work gets dull. Chao!

WINE, SPONSORSHIP AND MASSAGES

So after our little stay at the not-so Happy Hostel we thought we´d take a three hour bus ride to a place called Talca south of Santiago. By the way I haven´t really talked about Santiago mainly because it´s one of the most unremarkable places I´ve been. Don´t get me wrong, it´s not offensive. There is a nice castle on a hill, it has an efficient metro and it´s not dirty or anything but there´s just not much to tell you so I won´t. So for those of you that were tuning in order to know all the specifics on Santiago because you were about to book your plane tickets, I apologise.

Now then, Talca is in the heart of the Chilean winelands so no further explanation needed as to why that´s a good idea. The bus from Santiago dumps us in the middle of nowhere. The hotel we´re staying in has some rather strange instructions like ´When you get to the bus station, call us then take another bus to the depot (takes 15 minutes) and we´ll be there to pick you up. Sound like a pain in the arse? Well it was. Of course the local bus never came. We tried calling the hotel from the payphone. Number didn´t work. Tried calling from my mobile, nothing. Alison´s mobile didn´t even get signal in Chile so that´s out. Well this is just great, now what? It´s blazing hot outside, our bags are really heavy and the bus station in Talca wouldn´t look out of place in Bangkok. No one speaks English or they do a good job of hiding it. I sigh quietly, I do love these moments. ´´Right, we´re taking a cab.´´ I announce. Alison looks unsure but sod it. So we find a cabby and he agrees to take us there, for suitable compensation I might add.

The place is way outside town, down a dusty road. We arrive and unload our bags, stroke the dog and pay the cab driver. It´s quite beautiful. Lavender dances outside our room in the breeze. Outside there´s a pool that looks like the dogs have been playing in it too much. The view is great. Apart from the dog the place appears to be empty. Including reception. An eighteen year old girl races passed us. ´´Oh excuse me, could you...?´´ I start to say but she´s gone. I can hear crickets from somewhere and is that...tumbleweed over there...

Eventually the girl comes back. She´s German but speaks good English, hurrah. She shows us our room. Nice. We say we want to visit vineyards. She tells us prices and how we get there. Turns out it costs a small fortune to get out of this place and will involve taking a bus, then a taxi, then another bus before meeting up with the van that will convey us to the tour...´´Uhh, what?´´ I say. The German girl smiles sweetly. ´´But the vineyards are closed at the weekend.´´ She adds this minor detail just for good measure. Well this is excellent. We´re here for two nights, it´s already late Saturday afternoon and we leave on Monday morning. I look up to the sky and shake my head. So you know what we do. Nothing. We stay at this German encampment in the middle of vineyards and see...absolutely no wineries. Nice going Dan.

Just to rub salt in the wounds, turns out they don´t sell any food and if we want anything to eat we´ll have to walk for forty minutes to the supermarket to get it. Oh, and we can´t use the kitchen either. They do do dinner though. Silly price but I´m hungry. ´´It´s vegetarian.´´ The girl mutters sweetly. I´m breathing deeply now. Things are spiralling and I´m going down with them. So what we do is sit in the sun, read and have dinner. They do sell wine (again for suitable compensation) so we get ratted. I read an entire James Patterson book in a day. Don´t think I´ve ever done that before. Go me, I can read!

So after the weekend trip to the vineyards in which we saw none, we hop back on the bus back to Santiago and then jump on another bus to a place over the border in Argentina called Mendoza. Now this is the heart of the Argentinean winelands. Surely we should be able to salvage our wine tasting experience. Of course Argentina comes through in fine style. After a lovely ride through the Andes we arrive at our hostel where we are greeted by this cross-eyed geek who´s singularly one of the most stupid people I´ve ever met. I thought he was being obtuse but Alison assured me it´s just lack of grey matter. I was trying to do some laundry. We hadn´t done any for a couple of weeks and I thought it was probably about time. Could I get through to Einstein? Nope. He didn´t have some piece of paper we had to fill out. When will you have the piece of paper? Don´t know. Where is the main square? Down there (points at a wall) and so on.

We booked ourselves on a wine tour for the next day. And did we sample the delights of Argentinean wine? Answer - yes! And what a glorious thing it was. For 20 pesos each (about 3 pounds) we had 6, yes that´s six glasses of wine to sample. Brilliant. We had so much fun that we decided to do it all again the next day. This time we hired bikes and made up our own tour. We had lunch at one of the places that had been recommended to us by the bike hiring company. Bet they got a commission or something. It was a fancy place behind an electric gate. We cycled in and were asked to remain in the car park until we could be met by the chef. Ten minutes later he came out and explained the prices (which were ridiculous by the way). I really wasn´t sure but Alison said we were here now so may as well.

So the chef shows us the menu all the while saying how great the restaurant is. ´´Look, we even won this award.´´ I look at the dodgy mock glass idol. It had some crappy engraving. I look around the restaurant. Not another soul. I´m starting to wonder if we have, in fact, entered the Self Deluding Restaurant. ´´It´s excellent food.´´ The chef said again. Really, excellent food you say? You, the chef thinks it's excellent food, well stop talking about it and bring some out my good man. We stayed and ate his "excellent" food which was wholly unremarkable. I thought he would have had a great career in Santiago.

We catch a bus to San Rafael it should take a couple of hours but a flat tyre means it takes most of the day. We arrive at our hotel. You know what it´s called ´´The Red Wine Club.´´ How cool is that? And was it nice? Ohhh yes. And was it the cheapest hotel we´ve stayed in the entire trip. Oh YES! And was it like a five star boutique, OHH YESS! Get this, we´d already booked to stay there two nights a few weeks ago for about 20 dollars a night! That´s 10 pounds! Then, they email me and say they are doing a promotion. Would we like to stay an extra night for free, receive a complimentary bottle of wine, go on a free vineyard tour and get a free massage? Does the Pope shit in the woods? Is a bear catholic?

So we go on our FREE wine tour which is all very interesting and one of the vineyards there is selling a 1985 bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon for, wait for it....ten pesos (one pound fifty!) Got to be a catch right? Must be corked or something? Well turns out some of the batch was corked and the vineyard couldn´t guarantee the quality so were just selling them off. You might open a bottle that smells like pig vomit or you might get lucky. We opened it and it was the strangest tasting wine but somehow very nice. It wasn´t corked but was unlike anything I´ve tasted. You get the idea.

So then it´s time for the FREE massage. ´I hope she knows what she´s doing.´ Alison mutters. The last masseuse felt like she had just read a book and then simply declared herself one. The time came, the doorbell rang. The receptionist found us and said ´´The masseuse is here.´´ We walked in from the garden to be greeted by...a bloke. My mind went crazy. A man. But....(I heard in my head ´´Would you like a free massage?´´ echoing over and over) how could this be? I´ve had men do massages before but the theme running through most of them is they hurt, quite a lot. I swallowed. He set his table up in our hotel room. Alison went first. He asked if she minded him being in the room while she got undressed. She said no. I said yes and he left the room. I sat there watching the TV, occasionally glancing over. She seemed okay...hmm. He finished. My turn.

´´How was it?´´ I asked. ´´I´m not saying anything. You go.´´ Uh oh. He started. Oil first, I could hear it squelching in his fingers. All fine. Then he goes for my shoulders. It was okay. All fine yes...OW! I don't know what he was doing but it bloody hurt. And he kept on and on doing it. Then the other shoulder. Wholly crap! More pain. I made a mental note to look up ´´Massage´´ in the dictionary and see if it said anything about them being pleasurable. JEEZ! He hit another spot. I nearly blurted out ´´ALRIGHT I´LL TELL YOU WHERE THE DEATH STAR PLANS ARE, JUST STOP!´´ But I refrained. On and on it went. Time seemed to slow. I was breathing the pain in deeply. But it still....OUCH!!! Damnit man, didn´t you go to massage school?! Just as I think it´s over he grabs my head with both hands and yanks it. This is it. Bye Ma! The man is trying to twist my neck off my shoulders. Tears are streaming down my face as something cracks. Finally he stopped. I sat up. Alison was smiling at me. ´´It´s okay?´´ He asks. I give him an unsure smile and nod. In my typical English way I say ´´Oh yes, very good, thank you so much.´´ He left. Alison looked at me. ´´Well?´´´She asked. ´´I thought he was going to kill me.´´ I said and rushed over quickly to hug her.

We wander back from a very mediocre meal that evening and settle in for a movie on the TV. Only problem is the the movie is Titanic. Ah well. What the hell. But, get this, when the commercials come on you know what company is sponsoring it? Guess? No? Royal Caribbean Cruises! Say what? Obviously someone in the marketing department was having a bad day or didn´t attend the relevant meeting to update his bosses on his plans for sponsorship that week. I suspect he´s working at Pizza Hut now.

Anyway the time has come, once more, to depart. Come on, it won´t be long before I return. Let´s not have any tears. Can we be brave? Good. By the way I don´t have the Death Star Plans so don´t email.

Chao

Dan

PORN STARS, WHALES AND A HAPPY HOUSE

First off I must apologise for the delay in getting this latest dispatch out to you. It´s been rather hectic these last weeks and I haven´t really had time to sit down and type it all up. "Damnit Dan, why do I bother to read your crap if you´re just going to pull this kind of stunt?" I hear you cry. Fear not however I have some nice, juicy anecdotes to impart to you so sit down and eat your greens.

Where did I leave you? Ah yes, sitting in Puerto Natales, watching the Paraguaian election (Boy that was ace television), waiting four days until our ship departed for Puerto Montt. The idea being we thought it would be kinda neat to board, what can only be described as a cargo ship, and sail half way up Chile. It takes four nights and you supposedly see fjords, whales and crap. Great, I hear you cry. Yes and I shall come to it shortly. The upshot of not doing our ´W´ trek was we had to stay in Puerto Natales for four days. Now, if you like freezing cold weather, hurricane force winds with absolutely nothing to do during the day, Natales is your town and I suggest you get on a plane and come down here immediately.

For us however, we were stuck in our hostel watching endless episodes of ´House´ on TV. One thing really gets me though. As I watch this programme, the adverts come on every five bloody minutes and you know what they´re promoting? House! Yep, they stick an advert of a programme I´m already bloody watching! Needless to say shouting ensued and people started banging on the walls telling me to shut up.

Anyway, the days pass slowly. Then, good news. We find out the ship (called the Navimag) has been delayed due to, yep you guessed it, bad weather conditions. Damnit. So we have to stay ANOTHER night and reorganise our plane tickets. Luckily Alison flirts with a nice chap called Herman who worked for the airline (Lan). He agreed to change our flights for free! Great, thanks Herman buy you a drink next time our paths cross!

So finally the day comes, we wander down to the docks and look upon our vessel with awe and wonder. Awe, because there´s a huge black mark where the name of the ship should be and wonder because we were starting to wonder how long it would take before the smell of the cattle in those trucks parked on the deck would take to reach us (as it turned out, not long at all).

We find our cabin and to be honest, it´s not bad at all. Four bunks but we´ve got the whole cabin to ourselves, get in there! We take a stroll around the ship. It´s designed as a cargo vessel, hence the cattle, but takes a certain amount of passengers as well, for an eye-wateringly large amount of money. I won´t bore you with how much but I could have had a second holiday with the money (or a honeymoon even).

We settle in and watch the rather beautiful fjords roll gently passed us. It´s cold but somehow that doesn´t seem to matter, everyone is in high spirits. Maybe because they all seem to have bought three cartons of wine each. Westerners are such alcoholics. (We bought bottles, none of that carton crap.)

We met a nice American couple who were on holiday and bored them stupid by telling endless newsroom anecdotes. They got their revenge by shagging all afternoon in the cabin next to us. Man, they went on ALL afternoon. It was like ´´Come on buddy, give her a rest, you´re gonna break her.´´ He, apparently, couldn´t hear me. God, it was like porn for the blind. I was starting to feel a little insecure when someone shouted ´´Whales off the port bow!´´

I left our porn-star neighbours to it and climbed the stairs outside to the main deck. I looked out. Our guide had mentioned we were cruising through a protected bay area of Chile which housed twenty Blue Whales. Neat! I stared at the rolling white horses, the blue sky and felt the raw wind whipping at my face. Nothing. What the hell. ´´Did someone say they saw a whale?" I asked. ´´Yes, over there.´´ Someone replied and pointed. I looked again. In the far, far distance I saw the unmistakable spray of whales. ´´Wow,´´ I said ´´That´s amazing.´´ Seriously, it could have been a guy with a hose for all I knew. Whales! Great. We did see some dolphins playing in front of the ship which was nice. And once very few hours we would see a few sea lions swimming calmly. Then, seeing the ship and crapping their pants they desperately tried to get away from us. That was funny.

The days roll passed and we finally get to Puerto Montt. We say our goodbyes to our ´´Debby Does Dallas´´ comrades and walk to our hostel. First impressions of Puerto Montt. Crap hole. What the hell is this place? Looked like someone was having a laugh when they designed it. Like ´´We´ve got all this natural beauty around us, mountains, streams, fjords...let´s build a damn-ugly port, fill it with oil tankers, build some truly hideous buildings and oh, just for good measure have our sewage run out of a pipe right in front of the main promenade. Good job, fellas.

We walk up a forty five degree hill, backpacks in toe because I foolishly thought the hostel was right next to the port. Wrong. Alison had wanted to get a cab but I had put her mind at ease but assuring her it was a five minute walk. Wrong again. Twenty five minutes later, we arrive panting and in a sweat and are greeted by this old lady with weird, screwed up hair. She speaks a little English and shows us in. The place was nice enough, she had two little poodles which never took their eyes off us and would occasionally bark. I suspect to make sure they still could. Scrawny little rat things.

We thought we´d done okay, the hostel wasn´t expensive but the woman started behaving strangely. Alison went downstairs to give her our passport details. Things were going well till she opened mine. "Daniel Grant?" "Daniel Grant?" I thought perhaps she had been reading my blogs. But no, she knew my name and she didn´t like it. I had tried to make a reservation a few weeks earlier but she kept replying in Spanish so...I had ignored her. She made her feelings known to Alison who just shrugged and said ´No entiendo.´ I sat on the bed listening and shivering. It was like being in a cabin in the woods where the monster is outside stalking you. I was just glad Alison was dealing with it. That woman was scary.

Whilst we were in the hole that is Puerto Montt and after counting our money, we came to the conclusion we had none. Well, not strictly true but we have used far more than we ever intended, so after much soul searching and a few beers we came to the conclusion that we would not spend any time in New Zealand. Instead we will fly to Auckland, use our plane ticket to Christchurch a few days later and move our Sydney ticket so we just arrive there as soon as possible. We have friends in Sydney who are being ridiculously generous by letting us stay in their house. I´ll have to get them a really cool Christmas present. Not sure what though. A plane ticket to Puerto Montt has been crossed off the list so that´s one down at least. Is it coming through that we weren´t impressed with ´the Montt?´

We catch our flight to Santiago the next day and take a cab to our hostel. The Happy House Hostel it´s called. Let me tell you, dear friends and readers, there wasn´t much happiness going on there. The Lonely Planet (authoritative, indispensable guide book that it is) describes this hostel as ´´...simply the greatest renovation this author has ever seen.´´ This chap obviously hasn´t seen the new Wembley stadium.

It was nice enough when you got there but we have learned, painfully in some cases, that looks can be deceptive. And they were in this place. Our room was next to the smoking room so every five minutes a waft of smoke would gently find it´s way in to my nostrils. The windows had about as much soundproofing as a Wendy house, so when those buses and dust carts came thundering by at 0600, I felt I was about to get run over by them. The hostel itself was, wait for it, above a bar. Oh yes...Happy, HAPPY days! And...they had live bands on every night. Smiles all round. The heating did not work (and let me tell you Santiago is cold at night). Thought I might warm up with a shower. But after waiting with my hand under the water for ten minutes, quickly realised the place had no hot water either. But the pièce de résistance was the dogs. I swear they´re still barking in my head now and it´s been a week! Happy times at the Happy House Hostel.

There´s more. Plenty in fact. But I fear I may have lost you somewhere after paragraph four. Your eyes are glazed and you seem a little sleepy. I shall let you go. But I will be back and with even more tales of our epic, soon to be finished trip around the Southern American continent. Till that day comes, take care of yourselves and each other.

ESTATE AGENTS, GLACIERS AND HIKING

So I wake up to the sound of an alarm clock the day after the proposal. I´m utterly hungover, one might even go as far as to say I was still drunk. It´s 0500 in the morning, we have an 0800 flight to catch to El Calafate in Argentinian Patagonia. I move slowly to turn the alarm off and get myself out of bed. Alison looks almost as bad as me. We have to pack and be ready for some guy from the estate agency who´s coming round to check the apartment. He´s going to make sure we haven´t trashed it or anything. So we have a bit of work to do. It feels as if someone is ice fishing in my head.

We get everything ready and wait. 0530 comes and goes. It gets to 0545. We have to leave at 0600 to get to the airport in time. 0555, where the hell is he? At 0600 we are about to leave when the buzzer goes. He´s sorry, he went to the wrong place or some other equally unlikely story. I bark at him that we have to go or we will miss our plane. He tries to reassure me, there´s no traffic, it won´t take that long. He´s got thick glasses and he looks like he likes those Argentinian steaks a bit too much. He runs around the apartment looking through cupboards and making notes. He then says he will take us to the airport. Great. So we jump in his car and he floors it to the airport.

Now I think most Argentinians would agree with me when I say they can´t drive or perhaps more accurately they have a complete disregard for other users of the road. Not as bad as some countries but let´s say they´re in the top 5. I´m pondering on this as we speed through another red light and nearly end up on the other side of the in the central reservation. We are going so fast I can´t even see things through the window. Everything´s just a blur. I do notice, however, an ambulance. It´s lights are flashing, it´s siren is on and it´s in a hurry. We, it seems, are in more of a hurry because we race passed it! Let me repeat that for those that had nodded off. We overtook a speeding ambulance! I had to blink twice to make sure what I was witnessing to be true. Again, like Juan, our Bolivian taxi driver all those months ago, I wanted to tell our man to slow down. Did I know the Spanish? Nope. So in typical English fashion I sat there terrified to my very soul until at last he bounced the car up on the curb outside departures and we got out, shakily. He said goodbye and screeched away. It was then I realised he´d dropped us at the wrong terminal. Bastard. We trundled the fifteen minute walk to the other terminal, checked in and made our flight. No thanks to to our bumbling estate agent man.


So we arrive at El Calafate and immediately I´m hit with a cool blast of air. The temperature is markedly different from the seventy degrees in Buenos Aires. We jump in a cab to our hostel which is little like being in a school dorm but okay (as long as they don´t keep me up at night everything will be fine.)

Now bear in mind we´d just got engaged, what was the first thing we wanted to do? Yep, tell everyone we´d ever met. So we mosey on down to the nearest telephone and Internet places and we have a bit of a shock. First the Internet is painfully slow so Skype´s out of the question and second the telephones are painfully expensive.
It costs one pound forty per minute to make a call from mobile! Damnit. Well I have to call my brother and sister which I do but in terms of friends it seemed to take ages to actually find a way to tell people. Every time I wrote an e-mail and tried to send it was like waiting for a second Ice Age. Anyway, finally we told everyone that needed to know. Alison´s mum was particularly happy as the day we had got engaged was also her sixtieth birthday. Smooth!

So what is there to do in El Calafate? Glaciers. Big, crashing, noisy. They´re a bit cool (apologies for that one). We pay a quite insultingly large amount of money to go ice trekking on this one glacier called Perito Moreno. They strap on these iron claws on to our shoes called crampons and we go walking on the ice. It´s a beautiful day and whilst some of our group are behaving like children by throwing snowballs (Alison) I enjoy bumming around on the ice. It´s like looking at blue mountain peaks. The ice is so heavily compacted that when the sun shines through, it makes them look bright blue. I know what you´re thinking. Dan, I didn´t read this for some goddamn geology lesson, I read it to be entertain so entertain me, bitch. Okay. Man, you guys are a hard audience.

So as we finish walking down a steep bit we come across a table with lots of glasses set upon it. Hmm, I wonder. I can tell you´re thinking the same thing. Our guide then produces a bottle of ´Famous Grouse´ whiskey and smiles. I like his thinking. Then, just for a little extra class he takes his ice pick and hacks off some thousand year old ice from the glacier and tips it in to our glasses, quickly followed by the whiskey. Nicely done!


The next day we jump on a catamaran and see other glaciers and mountains. This time I get to play my favourite role by standing on the front of the catamaran and shouting "Ice berg right ahead!" Also Alison and I held our arms outstretched as the catamaran zipped along the water. I could almost feel Celine Dion behind me.

The day after we took a bus to a place called El Chalten about 3 hours north of Calafate. The Argentians wanted to incorporate the beautiful mountain range called Fitz Roy next to El Chalten into their territory in 1985. Chile wasn´t too happy about this, so they had a little race as to who could get there first. The sneaky Argentinians only went and built El Chalten as a way to say "Hey Chiliean neighbour, our towns already here, can´t have this slice." And the Chileans were like ´´Dude, this is so not cool.´´ But the Argentinians were already sitting down to dinner and had a bottle of wine open so the Chileans thought they´d let this one slide rather than cause a fuss.

So El Chalten is the youngest town in Argentina. I tell you this because I want you to be cultured so that next time someone stops you in the street and asks you "Do you know the story of El Chalten?" You say hold your head up high and say "Yes, Dan Grant told me." Anyway, we stayed in a nice cabin with a little kitchen and all was well with the world. We would do a few hours of hiking then come back to our cabin and get stupidly drunk on Argentinian wine.

So after all this fun we jump on another bus to a place called Puerto Natales (I hope you´re paying attention to all these names cos there´s going to be a test at the end). Natales is just over the border in to Chile and represents the gateway to the most impressive national park in all of South America called Torres Del Paine (roughly translated to Towers of Paine, or pain as we would soon discover). Natales used to be an old fishing village but now depends mostly on tourism. I have to say the weather here holds no punches. It´s rainy and windy and sunny, and snowy and did I mention windy? It´s like living in a hurricane 24 hours a day. I think bleak is a more descriptive word perhaps. I kept thinking, why would anyone settle here? The first Europeans to arrive must have actually thought "It´s crappy, rainy, cold and miserable. Perfect! Let´s build our houses right here." I think, good job we´re going hiking in this sort of weather, I love a challenge.


However...

Such is the way things turn out we had decided to do this famous trek for 5 days in the national park called the ´W´. It´s called this because the trail takes you in roughly the shape of a ´W´. Anyway we start the walk. 4 hours north to a glacier and a hut-like structure that we would stay the night in. Of course, nothing is ever simple. Half way to our hut, the path is cut off by a running stream. In the middle is a large log. It looks stable. I take one step on to it. It rocks a little. But I´ve committed myself now so the next foot steps forward. The log flips and throws me straight in to the stream, my big backpack and everything. I lie on my back, water flowing around me. Alison is saying something to the effect of "Are you okay?" But I´m a man. And I´ve just made a fool of myself. So I immediately stand up, swear and carry on. I´m soaked, I think I´ve busted my knee and my pride is in little pieces next to that bloody log.

Alison, wisely leaves me to it for ten minutes before attempting communication again. By which like I´ve come off the boil a little and can communicate back. "I´m fine, just so stupid."

Anyway we reach the hut and stay the night. It´s rustic but not particularly endearing. Alison had banged her toe rather badly on the Inca Trail and the nail had turned a rather dashing shade of purple. It hadn´t really been causing any problems on our trip but the cold must have awoken the beast inside. Because the next day she could barely walk. And just to make matters worse it rained, hard. All day. And it was cold. And just not that pleasant. So by the time we got to the next camp we had decided we couldn´t carry on.

Back to Puerto Natales we go. Our hostel is somewhat surprised to see us but accommodate us. So we get to our room and settle in for all-night results coverage of the Paraguayan election. Man, why don´t we get this in England.

THE PROPOSAL

So we´re coming to the end of our trip to Buenos Aires. I´ve been trying to figure out how I go about proposing to Alison when we´re in each others company all the time. Answer...with difficulty.

First problem: The ring
What kind, how much? How do I get out of her company long enough to find it? Since we´ve been renting an apartment in Buenos Aires, I figure this is the perfect time to go ring hunting. I make up some rubbish about going for a walk. I know it sounds lame but she bought it. Ha, so gullible! So I went for a walk along a parade of shops in the very agreeable Palermo district. I look in the first jewelry store window I come across. You know what I think? These rings suck. They look like rings my great grandma wore. To make matters worse they look like they haven´t been cleaned since about the time she wore them. The woman behind the counter looks over her glasses at me and I scamper away.

Next shop. Looks like they sell rings to goths. Next one - Closed. Next one...hmmm, maybe. Alison had bought some earrings in this Argentinian pink stone she liked (don´t ask me what it was called, I don´t know). This one sold these pink stones in rings but they somehow just looked very ordinary. Man. By now I´d been gone about two hours and I wasn´t sure how much more I could justify being away. So I trudge back empty handed.

We do a bunch of activities like Tango dancing, which I really enjoyed. And went to an estancia, like a ranch outside Buenos Aires where I got to look like a girl on a horse for the afternoon.

All the while, I´m trying to work out how I get away from Alison to get this blasted ring. And meanwhile the clock is ticking. We are running out of time in Buenos Aires. What am I going to do? Maybe I just wait for some other time. Yet it does seem like this is the right moment.

Then, a lifeline on our last day. "Can you pop to the shops and get some potatos?" Alison asks. I jump up from the sofa almost too eagerly. Recovering quickly I say "Uhh, sure." I casually walk out of the building and break in to a run down the road nearly knocking over a woman with bad cankles, (big ankles) eliciting shouts of Spanish-abuse. It will have to be the jewelry shop up the road, don´t care how ugly the ring is. I´m on a clock. I get to the shop and look once more in the window. Man, they really are some of the most ugly rings I have ever seen in my life. Maybe she could use it as an emergency cheese grater or something, I dunno. I can´t, I just can´t buy her something so utterly repulsive. I´m going to have to go up to the parade of shops again. I´m only supposed to be getting potatos but...sod it. I run up the road, in my Berkenstocks and it´s not comfortable let me tell you.

On my way, however, I see a jewelry shop I hadn´t noticed before. I cross the road paying no attention to the beeping horns and screeching tires. I look in the window. There´s one ring that is not bad at all. Great. I go in and the woman pulls it out. Yep, that´s the one. I pay and run out. I´m nearly back at the apartment when my mind does a 180. "Hey Dan, how bout those POTATOS!" Bollocks!

I race to the greengrocers just outside our building. Of course there´s a queue and of course they are nattering away in Spanish. I feel like I´m going to combust there and then. The man sees my internal strife and interrupts the conversation so he can give me my two goddamn potatos.

I race up to the apartment and try to catch my breath. I open the door. Alison turns and stares at me. "Where have you been?" I freeze. I can´t even begin to...and then words just come out of my mouth. Like divine inspiration although this was more like divine perspiration I say
"There was an enormous queue at the store and they totally ignored me for ages so I had to go up the road, really annoying." I let it hang there in the air. She considered what I said for a few seconds, I could hear the cogs clanking. I was about to say "What´s that clanking sound?" when she piped up and said "They´re always doing that, they did the same to me when I was there yesterday." I let out a breath. Phew, got away with that one, I think.

Second problem: Picking the moment

So then we spend the rest of the day walking around Buenos Aires, going to our favourite spots. We had drinks by the river, then some more drinks in the Bohemian San Telmo. I suggest we go to a restaurant we went to the last time we were here. They had the best steaks in all of Argentina and let me say dear reader, that is a pretty special accolade. It was called Gran Parilla Del Plata and a very simple, yet elegant place.

We wander over there hand in hand. I´m hoping she can´t detect the quiet panic going on inside my chest. "You okay?" She asks. I swallow, my throat is dry. "Oh yeah. I´m great. Couldn´t be better. Feel like a million pounds." I reply. My mind interjects "Stop talking Dan, stop talking now." Unfortunately it says this as I´ve already started mouthing the next reason I´m feeling fine, so what you´re left with is me with my mouth open looking like a goldfish. She frowns and we carry on.
My internal monologue continues, "Jesus Dan, get it together or she´s going to end up telling your kids how you screwed up this moment. Why are you such a loser?" It´s a good question and one I haven´t formulated a proper response to. Anyway...

We get to the restaurant and I could feel sweat building. I ordered water and a bottle of their nicest Malbec. We talked for a while. I was trying to work out how I do this. Damnit I should have prepared this better. I should have written down what I was going to say.

I love you...I should have done this a long time ago...I don´t know, you say it! Time passes and the restaurant begins to fill up. There are people sitting outside, I look at their food. It looks nice. I then glance over at the staff, they are chatting away to one another. Little do any of these people know what was about to happen. Frankly neither did I. We eat our beautifully prepared steaks. Damn it´s like melt-in-your-mouth good. I think I´ve had enough wine...what am I doing, I´m standing up. I´m looking at her. "Think I´ll just go to the toilet." I mutter. She nods. I wander up the stairs passed the slightly bored staff. I get to the toilet and try to avoid my reflection. My heart is thumping, thank god for wine. I take out the ring and look at it. It´s not bad at all I decide, afterall this is only the second time I´m seeing it. I breathe in, take one glance at myself and walk out.

Down the stairs I go. I walk slowly but I think, with purpose. I get to the table. She turns to see me, I seem to have stopped behind her chair. I bend down and I say "Look you´ve dropped this here." She looks totally perplexed, wondering what she dropped. I stay on one knee as I look up and say the most ridiculous bunch of phrases I´ve ever said in my life. I can´t honestly remember the exact words but it was something like "Look, I know I should have done this a long time ago. I hope it´s not too late and well the thing is I love you and I´ve loved you for some time now (Jesus Daniel!) and I was wondering if you would be my wife and...what´s that face for?" Her face went from a confused frown to shock to tears pouring down her face. It seemed to take the age of the universe for her to get what it was I was doing. She still thought she´d dropped something. Anyway, finally the penny dropped and she started balling her eyes out. She looked outside, the people were beaming, then other people in the restaurant started to catch on. Then the waiters and waitresses were staring. She gave me a kiss, her eyes shiny. Of course whilst this is going on I´m still on my knees and the floor doesn´t look too clean and my knee is starting to ache. "So is that a yes?" I ask.

"Yes!" she says. She only had one bloody line and still she needed prompting from the wings. The restaurant clapped and the people outside cheered. I stand up, wiggling my slightly numb knee. Alison´s a mess, I´m a mess. The waitress brings over two glasses of champagne. I down mine immediately. For the rest of the evening the smile couldn´t be wiped off our faces. We went home, got another bottle of champagne, called our parents and got horrendously drunk together. I´m such a softy.

BUENOS AIRES - TANGO SPECIAL

Yes Alison dragged me kicking and screaming to Tango lessons. Man, what a delight it was. So we get there and it's set, not in a nice 18th century café but in what looks strangely like my old school hall.

I keep making jokes like 'We could just go to the bar over there and order a bottle of wine..' and 'It looks closed, let's go order a bottle of wine.' It wasn't closed however. We went in and bought our ticket for 12 pesos, a bargain in any other circumstances. We had made sure the lessons were in English as well but of course, come the time, everyone there was Argentinean and spoke nothing but Spanish…nice.

I'm wearing a white t-shirt, jeans and black shoes, going for my mid-life look. As we sat down and waited for proceedings to begin, I looked around the room. There was a bunch of couples, whispering to each other. That couple over there looks far too professional for my liking. So do those two to the left, giving me evils. I sit there, my palms are sweaty. Why did I agree to this, let's face it, if I hadn't I would still be hearing the moaning in Australia in two month's time.
The teachers arrive and I swear one of the guys looks like he'd just been to a Metallica concert. What the hell…every time he spoke, all I could think was 'get a haircut. Tuck that shirt in. Have those Big Macs every other day maybe?' Strangely his partner is a skinny nothing of a girl. Looked like the lightest of pushes would break her in to pieces.

So things begin. Another man with greying hair starts talking in Spanish. I'm distracted by his tufts of hair springing out of his shirt. Of course I nod in all the appropriate places. I chuckle when everyone laughs, try to fit in as best I can. I look at my watch 19:15. The lesson finishes at 20:30, okay…you can do this. Our Michael McDonald lookalike gets us to stand up. My head was thinking 'Do I have to?' but my body obeyed almost willingly. I made a note for my mind to have a conversation with my body later to cut out that sort of enthusiasm.
The first thing we seem to be doing is walking in a circle. Brilliant. 'Michael' is teaching us how to walk again. 12 pesos down the toilet. He wants us to slink as we walk, move sexily or something. I'm just ogling at everyone else, trying to copy what the other apes are doing. That guy over there looks like a muppet, I surely look better than him. I notice there are more girls than boys. Maybe 15 girls and 8 boys. Ha some of those losers won't get to dance. Alison informs me however that we have to change partners? Oh for goodness sake, I throw my hands up to the heavens. 'Why should I be punished because someone can't get themselves a boyfriend, it's not my fault they're ugly.' Alison shoots me a scornful look and we carry on walking in our circle.
Then 'Michael' splits up the group in to beginners and advanced.

We get Metallica man and his waif of a partner. I can't believe this guy is going to try to teach me Tango. He belongs in a cage with me poking bananas through the bars. Anyway, they show us a move and I raise my eyebrows in surprise. It seemed quite elegant. First step here, second step there. We split again, girls on one side, boys on the other. I'm standing next to the muppet, his worn out Nikes seem particularly inappropriate. The boys follow Metallica Man, the girls follow the waif. Then we have to rejoin our partners. Of course I take to it like a Llama to water (a Llama with no means of floatation). I fumble around, step on toes, huff and puff. Try again, damnit I can't do this stupid thing. Time check: 19:45. How can there still be 45 minutes to go? Try again, nope. I'm utterly useless at this. I'm at the point of tears when Metallica man barks 'Switch partners.' Alison gives me a nervous glance. I roll my eyes 'Maybe we can just carry on, who's going to know..?'

'Hi, do you want to dance?' A blonde, very pale, slightly butch girl is standing in front of me. 'Uhh…okay.' I take her hand and we start. I still stumble around like the bumbling arse that I am. She is patient with me as I step on her shoes for the fifth time. Then she starts small talk, where am I from, is this my first time etc. I'm as polite as I can be but the frustrations soon came out. I'm a man, and I can only do one thing at a time. I can't talk and remember the steps as well, I just can't.

'Change partners!' The monkey man barks. Alison is back with me. 'You're sweating.' She observes. 'Yeah…well, I can't do it.' I say grumpily. 'Yes you can.' She takes my hand and we start again. Except this time, I'm starting to get it. My feet are placing themselves in the right place at the right time. Don't get me wrong I still look like a girl but at least I'm getting the moves right.

'Very good, see you can do it.' Alison says. She's trying to be encouraging but in my typical male way I find it condescending. Time check: 20:15. Horrah! Only fifteen minutes to go.
Then we have to change partners again and I get this lumpy American girl, who's looks annoyed about something. Maybe it was dancing with me or maybe she'd just been told her home was to be repossessed but either way she was plenty pissed. Just what I needed with my burgeoning Tango moves. We started, I screwed it up. I apologised. She huffed. We started again. I stepped on her toe. She yelped. I apologised. And on and on. I was starting to panic, I couldn't do it under this sort of scrutiny. She was being mean and I wanted to go back to Alison. My prayers were answered when she stopped abruptly and made some lame excuse about her new shoes hurting. Whatever, I thought. And I went back to Alison who was dancing with the monkey and had her eyes closed stench of his pits making them water. 20:30, time to go. As we left, Alison was beaming. 'Thank you for doing that.' She said. Yeah right, I thought. Well we're off to an Argentinean 'futbol' game tomorrow. How do you like them apples!

BUS RIDES, FIZZY DRINKS AND EASTER EGGS

So I’m back. You probably all moved on since the last blog. Probably thought that Dan Grant has just given up on us. Maybe I should do something more useful than sit here hour after hour waiting for a new blog to come out.

Well here it is! Sit back and enjoy.
So we jump on possibly the longest bus ride I have ever known and frankly have no intention of repeating. It’s a 6 hour journey to Sao Paulo from Paraty and it’s just about bearable. The bus stops every couple of hours at these ridiculously remote service stops that look like someone’s house and appear only to bother opening when this particular bus pulls in.

Anyway we begin to see built up areas and I realise we are nearing Sao Paulo. Allow me to read to you what the Lonely Planet says about Sao Paulo.

DANGERS AND ANNOYANCES
Reports of crime in the city have increased and Sao Paulo is said to be less safe than Rio…if you’re driving, be aware that carjackings and red-light robberies are common after dark. It’s so bad that Sao Paulo recently changed a traffic law – it’s now legal (and recommended) to just slow down at red lights at night. If there’s no traffic, continue without stopping…

What the..? Don’t stop at red lights, crime worse than Rio?? Well that little paragraph had us scanning every car and every person as we rode along towards the bus station. Who was suspicious? That man with the hood, too obvious? What about that pregnant lady…a cunning disguise perhaps? Who knows? So we arrive fully prepared for urban combat. Unfortunately we have to stay at the bus station for 5 hours to wait for the night bus to take us to Florianopolis (which is a 12 hour drive).

Sao Paulo has the worlds biggest bus station. It’s like an airport - shops, fast food chains, internet cafes all very nice. But I swear there are some distinctly dodgy people walking around that place. Every time I made eye contact with someone I pictured them shoving a gun in my face and demanding my Lonely Planet Brazil (which they can have as far as I’m concerned). My mind then draws a picture of me unable to understand what they are after so I try desperately to do a translation exercise with the help of my phrasebook before they pull the trigger.

So for 5 hours we sat and ate then after we finished eating we ate some more. We don’t smoke, so what the hell else are we supposed to do? One thing I’ve noticed here. When you ask for something in English, even though the name of what you are asking for is the same in both English and Portuguese they just don’t understand. So I say ‘Sprite por favour.’ And the two-star Bob’s Burger employee stares straight back at me with a sort of cross eyed expression and says ‘Sprite?’ I look up at the menu lit up in front of me, a beautifully lit photo of a large cup of Sprite with ice cubes and a straw with big letters on the side saying Sprite. I look down at our missing link friend. ‘Yes Sprite.’ The mongoloid shakes his head and smiles. Then I do what so many of my compatriots do. I start saying it over and over again, varying things like volume, speed, pitch. Nothing. He asks his manager. I say ‘Sprite?’ The manager shakes his head, then an idea. I see it forming in his brain. ‘Ohhh…Sprite?’ I stare at him, a small frown on my now sweating forehead. ‘Yes, Sprite.’ And let me tell you, dear readers, he said Sprite in exactly the same way I’d had and I finally got my goddamn beverage.

Finally the time came and we got on the bus. Which was, I have to admit, quite funky. They had these chairs that turned in to beds. Actual flat beds with sheets and pillows. Brilliant. I actually slept for some of the way. Wayhay!!
So we arrive in Florianopolis at 6 Am, another beach location. Our guest house is lovely, the owner was slightly surprised to see us so early but offered us breakfast and spoke excellent English. Great, we’re winning. What wasn’t winning, however, was the weather. It was still raining. You may remember how I told you it rained the whole time we were in Paraty. Well it carried on here. Fab. So what do you do when it rains here? We thought let’s take a bus downtown and go see a movie at the multiplex. So that’s what we did. The ticket cost about 2 pounds each cos it was a matinee and we saw Charlie Wilson’s War which was not bad at all.

Whilst walking around the mall something else occurred to me. Brazilians don’t wear glasses. Seriously I have not seen one Brazilian wearing them. Maybe they don’t like being called four eyes. Maybe they all have perfect 20x20 vision. Maybe there’s a trade embargo on them, who knows? I have yet to see one pair, weird no?

Anyway, the weather improves and we have a nice few days on the beach. Then it’s time to go and we’ve booked a flight from Florianopolis to Rosario in Argentina. So it’s farewell Brazil. Well not quite, because the flight we booked doesn’t leave Florianopolis till 1800, then it flies one hour south to a place called Porto Alegre where we then have to wait 5 hours until we leave (around midnight) for Rosario thus arriving at 0155 in the morning. Confused? We were.

As I’m sitting on the plane watching the sunset I look down and see the baggage guys loading the plane with various pieces of luggage. As usual they are in that ‘couldn’t give a toss mode’ throwing it around, kicking it etc. However I quickly realise there’s no conveyer belt taking the luggage up in to the plane; they are lifting each piece individually. And all I could think was the airport surely could afford to buy them one conveyor belt. They could even share it when there’s more than one flight. It would be good for them, and it would be good for me so I don’t spend my time with this stuff running around my head and we could get on our way!

So we arrive in Porto Alegre airport and here we must wait and wait and wait some more. We wander around looking at shops pondering how we are going to kill this much time when Alison notices there’s a cinema on the top floor. A cinema! In an airport. Brilliant! What an inspired idea. So we amble up there and guess what there’s a movie starting in 20 minutes. Hallelujah! We buy tickets to see a film called Vantage Point. Not bad, bit like a long episode of 24. Anyway, that kills a couple of hours straight off. Before you know it we’re boarding our next plane to Rosario.

Now because it’s Easter and everything was booked in Rosario we ended up booking a Holiday Inn. We didn’t want to, but everywhere else was full. So we arrive at Rosario Airport at 2 in the morning, only to find it’s so late all the immigration people have gone home. I mean, what the hell! So we’re herded in to this room for about the length of the Bronze Age. Then a guy from the airline comes out and makes an announcement, in Spanish. Everyone groans. Then 5 minutes later he comes out again and makes another announcement, suddenly everyone stands up and heads back towards the immigration area. We, like the sheep that we are, followed them. They had located some passport people who were now under so much pressure to get the queue moving I swear they would have let Osama Bin Laden in.

Anyway, exhausted and more than a little tetchy we emerge through arrivals fully expecting no one to be there, but to our great surprise there was a guy holding a sign with my name on it. Ace. He drove us (like the absolute lunatic he was), to the Holiday Inn. We walk through reception and we meet the man who is going to have a great impact on our lives. He is called Luis. We explain that we have been trying to let the Holiday Inn know for the last week that we were coming at 3am. They had booked the transfer so surely they wouldn’t do that if we didn’t have a reservation, right? Wrong. Luis was possibly the most unhelpful, couldn’t-give-a-toss nightman I have ever had the misfortune to meet. He said our room would not be ready until 3pm, then just looked at us. So we said ‘Fine, we’ll sit in reception and wait.’ And that’s what we did looking like a couple of Albanian goat herders we sat and dozed and tried to avoid the mozzies. From 3 in the morning until 9 we sat there. He didn’t offer us a damn thing unless you count strange looks. Only when the day staff started to come in did he bother to say ‘You can get some breakfast, the restaurant has opened now.’ I wanted to tell him where he could stick his breakfast but I was hungry and coffee sounded nice.
Eventually the manager came over. Totally different attitude. Very sorry, totally understood our position. Offered us a nicer room etc etc. Luis by that time had gone home. I thought about leaving him a special ‘Easter egg’ of my own but what the hell, life’s too short.

And here is where I must leave you. With that thought of my ‘special’ Easter egg. There’s more, much more. And I shall be posting it as soon as I figure out how to get out of the Tango lessons Alison has planned for me.
Until that time.

Arive Derche

The Dan

SNAKES, AMPHIBIOUS NAVAL BOARDING TEAMS AND RAIN

Yep here it is. I know you´ve spent the weekend trying not to take out your frustrations on your nearest and dearest at the way I left the last blog hanging. I know that the tantrum in the living room and subsequent argument was not really about which movie to go see. Fear not, here is the thrilling conclusion to the previous ramblings.

So we opt for the 3 hour walk to the beach on Ilha Grande. And as a snake thrashes away unseen through the greenery, bear in mind I´m wearing sandals, I am beginning to think this wasn´t the best idea I´ve had. I look around at the jungle canopy above us. The air is hot and thick, it feels like there´s an Iguassu (waterfall) pouring down my back. There are snakes and spiders and all kinds of other nasty things here and we still have 2 hours to go. You´ll be pleased to know we made it. Was it worth it? Was it fuck.

Okay first, the beach. It was stunning. About a mile of pure white sand bending to the right. In fact the sand was so fine that when you walked on it it let out a squeaking sound. I just thought it was Alison´s runs coming back but nope, it was the sand. There are no boats allowed to pick up and drop off here and no parasols or chairs. No sunbathing, no swimming no breathing. Just kidding about the last three.

Now because you can´t get boats from here you have to walk 20 minutes back to another beach to get the boat back to town. In that walk you are gently raped by monkeys and scratched by palm trees with a grudge against white folk with no tops on. So after our 15 minutes of enjoying the beach we wander back to catch the last boat back to town. And we sit at the back of the boat for what seems like an hour still tied to the pier. People are getting annoyed, nothing is happening. Eventually the captain decides (under threat of mutiny) to cast off. We just get underway when I hear someone whistling. I look back to see a guy waving. He wears silly Brazilian trucks with a girly pattern on them. He has perfected the surf-dude look down to a tee. He seems to be trying to attract attention. ´Don´t go! Wait...´ He barks in Portuguese. He´s obviously got there a fraction too late and don´t forget this is the last boat back to town. I look at him, then I turn to the captain who´s got Bob Marley blaring out of the stereo and is blissfully unaware of what is going on behind him. I look back at the man, this poor guy who´d missed the boat by the slightest of margins.
You know what I did. What any normal, sane, right-thinking person would do in that situation. Nothing. I actually sat there and just stared at him. He carried on shouting and whistling. I just couldn´t bring myself to do anything about it. My mind began justifying my actions by saying things like ´Well he should have got there earlier.´ But as we sailed away, knowing full well that chap had a 3 hour walk, in the dark, with the snakes and other nasties back to town, I heard a strange voice in my head. I can´t remember the details but the basic gist was ´You´re going to hell Daniel Grant´.

So the next day, for lack of a better idea we decide to go back to the same beach, Lopez Mendes. Why not. It wasn´t a bad beach by any stretch of the imagination and now that we´d learned the hard way, we decided to take the boat there...AND back. Good thinking Sherlock.
I almost gave it no attention whatsoever when I saw the large Brazilian Naval battle cruiser parked in our bay. I just thought ´Hey look, a warship.´ Then went back to the brainal equivalent of the television colour bars. But as our boat pulled away I heard what sounded suspiciously like a siren. Sure enough a smaller patrol boat was speeding its way towards us. Lights flashing, the whole show. People looked at each other, I glanced at the battle cruiser, wondering if she was preparing to blow us out of the water with those two big cannons sitting on her deck.
The patrol boat pulled up alongside our little innocent tourist boat and (I kid you not) a guy called Ronaldo boarded with his crack amphibious search team and announced something to us in Portuguese.Boy I sure was glad I didn´t speak the language cos he sounded pissed.
So I sat there in blissful ignorance until a small thought came across me. Had I remembered to hide my stash?
Ronaldo finished making his speech and then went to the ´bridge´ or as I prefer to call it, the little hut where the captain sat and steered the boat. The captain translated what Ronaldo has said in to English.
´They´re just making sure everything is in order on the boat, please wait 10 minutes.´ Like a bunch of Goofies we nodded in earnest agreement with the plan. 45 minutes later Ronaldo and his crack amphibious team were still serving the Captain his own six-pack for dinner and we were still bobbling around on the sea like a shark with no fins. Every so often, out of view of Ronaldo and his crack amphibious team, the captain would give a look to us that said he´d been given such a severe bollocking, I thought the boys were going to take him round the back and give him thirty lashes. So what did I do whilst all this seriousness was going on? What any decent, western tourist does in these situations...I got out my camera and filmed the whole thing for the benefit of you. See video.
After an hour Ronaldo was happy to let us carry on to the beach. The captain by this point had soiled himself, he´d obviously not filled in the right form or failed to make sure the boat had life vests or some other trivial failing. I found myself feeling sorry for the poor chap and as we motored passed the Oil Tanker Terminal on the way to the beach all I could think of was, I don´t think I want to be a ship captain after all.

So after all that excitement it was time to leave Ilha Grande. So we caught the ferry to the mainland and then a taxi to the bus terminal. After waiting an inexcusably long time the bus rolled in and we got on. Except this bus was like a citybus not like the coaches we´d been using thus far. And it was packed. So packed that we didn´t have a seat. So for 2 hours I had to stand to get to our next destination of Paraty. Was I amused? Was I fuck. However as it turned out I thought Alison had paid for the tickets. Only when we got off, stiff as a randy elephant, did we realise that neither of us had paid for our tickets. I´m sure you´re assuming I went straight up to the bus driver, money in hand to correct the mistake immediately. Well you´d be wrong. We scarpered to a waiting taxi who floored it to our guesthouse. Ha. Every so often the good guys triumph over the commies!

And thus, here we are. Paraty is a beautiful colonial town with cobbled streets and a lovely harbour. It has over a hundred beaches in its vicinity and is one of the most beautiful places in all of southern Brazil. Of course I don´t know this first hand because ever since we arrived it hasn´t stopped bloody raining. I mean it started raining four days ago and it literally hasn´t stopped since. At one stage I was walking back to the guesthouse, drenched, cold and rapidly losing my tan, I started conversing with God.
´´God´´ I said ´´You promised you wouldn´t flood mankind again after Noah, what gives?´´
God replied ´´You believed me on that? HA! Dickhead.´´
So yes, here we are stuck in a beautiful beach location with sod all to do except write these bloody blogs. Well we leave tomorrow for a 24 hour bus journey to Florianopolis. That´ll be a hoot!

When I have more, dear readers, you will too.

Until that time, live long and prosper.

Dan

BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, FAT LADIES NOT SINGING AND COTTON TAX

I know what you´re thinking. Dan´s blogs are like buses, you wait couple of weeks for one then two come along in the same week! I know but so much has happened I figured I needed to get myself bang up to date so I shall carry on from whence I left off.

So we check out of the crap hostel in Buenos Aires cursing the day the owner was ever born and we jump in a cab and hop foot it to the airport where the airline, Aerolineas Argentineas (never heard of it either, I swear these guys just make up these companies) decides, in their infinite wisdom, to not sit us together. Like we pissed them off or something, so one of us had to sit in front of the one another other, like we´d misbehaved or something. They claimed it was something to do with having no available seats. I just thought it was because I was wearing shorts.

So the flight takes us to Iguassu Falls which are arguably the most beautiful falls in the world. I´ve only ever seen Niagara and they beat the hell out of them. The Argentian / Brazilian border goes right through the middle giving Argentina the lion share of the falls.
So we are picked up on the Argentinian side by a guy with shaved head and sun glasses and built like a stone toilet. And he speaks English, bonus! He´s going to take us to our hotel...in Brazil. So we speed to the border and before you can say ´Some guy called Hose asked me to carry the package for him´we were across the checkpoint. CLICK. The locks on the doors locked simultaneously. I looked and Alison, she just looked straight back at me, I thought she was thinking ´Do I have something on my face´but actually she was also concerned with the door locking situation. We both turned to the driver, he just smiled and said ´Welcome to Brazil.´

We went to both sides of the Falls. Brazilian and Argentinian. I preferred the Argentinian, Alison preferred the Brazilian (because you didn´t get wet, sissy) and we had a jolly good time cavorting around in the mist and seeing them from every angle possible. Lovely.

In the evening we found a goldmine of a restaurant. Don´t ask me what it was called or where it is, because we spent about 2 hours trying to find the damn place. Bloody Lonely Planet and their devilishly incorrect mapping department. But once we got there it was great. You ordered your wine, then these guys would start coming around with metal kebabs. Upon each was a different sort of meat. ´Sirloin sir?´ to which the reply is´of course´. He would then cut off a generous portion and move to the next table. Then another guy would come along and say something like ´chicken hearts sir?´ to which I said ´Yes of course.´ It was only after he´d put it on my plate did I replay the conversation and...did he say chicken hearts? I stared at it, pondering on my next course of action. Another waiter interrupted my thoughts. ´Pork chop sir?´ Well it would be rude not to. And so it went on...and on...and on. Within ten minutes I had a pile of meat that I could accurately describe as a pyramid. Great. But really, chicken hearts?

When we got to Rio, things changed. Firstly I was very disappointed in Rio. I was really looking forward to it but it just feels like someone will grab your stuff at the first given opportunity. Also the Lonely Planet scares the crap out of you with the ´Dangers and Annoyances´ section so when you arrive you´re primed for gang-rape, murder, torture and carjackings. The Brazilians ar very conscious of their appearance, non so as people in Rio. The beach, Ipanema was like a fashion parade...of not a lot. I think there´s some sort of massive tax embargo on importing Lycra or cotton here. Because everyone has almost nothing on. Seriously, they must have to make the most out of the little material each shop is ´rationioned´ so they create these bikinis and ´trunks´ that really leave nothing to the imagination at all. I must say I felt completely at home with my bleach-white complexion and scraggly legs as I walked along the beach trying to find a spot where the guy´s next to me biceps wouldn´t push me in to the sea every time he sneezed. We found a spot and made camp. Not in the least self conscious as I examined my slightly wobbly belly and looked at the abundance of six packs stomping past me and thought ´ooo you´re just like everyone else, who wants that?´
I tell you another thing. There´s nothing I like more that coming to a yellow sandy beach and looking out over the surf to see...three oil supertankers sat on the horizon. Last one to the sea´s a sissy.

We wanted to know about the Brazilian psyche, so Alison had a chat to the girl on reception at our hostel. We wanted some travel advice and the Lonely Planet (don´t trust it, it lies and deceives) said some town north of Rio called Nova Frigburgo was nice. The girl stared at Alison and said ´ Why would you want to go there, doesn´t even have a beach.´ Like a place that doesn´t have a beach was the most ridiculous thing in the world. She also said ´Brazilians don´t like anything unless it is beautiful. Brazilian don´t go anywhere unless it is beautiful. Brazilians need to be surrounded by beautiful things and beautiful people.´ I guess that´s why there aren´t many Brazilians in Sherpherds Bush.

A word about Brazilian TV as well. Not to put too finer point on it, it´s shit. And it´s all in Portuguese!? So one evening we´re flicking through the channels and we come across a 24 hour news station so we think ´let´s watch this for a laugh.´ The picture showed a news helicopter pumping out live pictures of what appeared to be a police rescue. They were on the top floor of a block of flats. Onlookers were staring from the street. Police were trying to keep order. On closer inspection however we realised it was the fire brigade. They use the term Bombardiers for fireman, really helpful. We thought it might have been the bomb squad. No. What they were doing was helping a rather overweight lady from her flat to an ambulance. That´s it. Fat lady needs crane shocker. Send the copter, we´ve got a breaker!!! We sat in awe for over an hour, transfixed. We were hungry but we just couldn´t leave. Enthralling. Eventually they got the poor dear in to the ambulance and drove away , the back throwing out sparks. And we thought, it´s only a matter of time before this comes to the UK. Can´t wait.
You know they have a channel here where all they show, 24 hours a day is...wait for it...pictures of cows. Cows eating. Cows mooing. Cows shitting. Seriously the camera follows the cow around the field and they pump this out to cable! Someone somewhere must be getting off on this. Me, I just thought it was weird.

´What comes next after the cows?´ Alison asks, eager for us to leave this Internet cafe to go to dinner. A good question and the answer is coming next.

We move to an island 4 hours southwest of Rio called Ilha Grande. For those with non-degree level Portuguese, ala me, this roughly translates to Big Island. Boy they must have been up all night thinking of that one!
So we check in to our hostel where I am promptly nearly whacked in the face by a bat and not the baseball variety either. I yell ´Look where you´re going! What are you, blind?´

So Ilha Grande has one of Brazils most beautiful beaches but...and here´s the kicker...you have to walk 3 hours through the jungle to get to it. Or...(there are no cars on the island) you can take a boat which takes an hour. So what do you think we opted for, easiness or snakes and monkeys? Yep, jungle it was. And it was a grueling hour and a half up, then another hour and a half down. And the humidity...Jesus I´ve never sweated like I have here. It runs down my body like a waterfall. I intend to write a very strongly worded letter to Sure deodorant when I get back.
So we walk and walk, and just for good measure we walk some more and...you´ll have to wait till next time because I´m out of time.

What a cliffhanger. God I bet you can´t wait for the next installment. I can´t. Wow. Brilliant.

Until next time my friends,

Dan

SMASHED GLASSES, LOVE HANDLES AND DUBIOUS HAIRCUTS

So it´s been a little while since last I wrote. I quickly discovered that Brazil is expensive! Where were we before we were so rudely interrupted.

Ah yes La Paz. Well just before we left I had a little run in with a rather strange German guy, (we´ll call him Adolf for the sake of this story) who threatened to ´Smash your glasses in to your face!´ Not very nice I thought. I know what you´re thinking. You´re pondering what could have got this guy, who had obviously not heard of the English word deodorant, so worked up. The answer was strangely simple. I was using the computer a little too much. See, the hotel we were in had a free Internet connection, an invaluable tool in my burgeoning blogging career such as it is.
So Adolf decides I´m on the ´good´ computer and wants it for himself. So he starts off all nice but when I inform him I had only just sat down and ´I´m terribly sorry ol chap but I might be here for 15 minutes or so´, our villain decides to morph in to a German translation of Jekyll and Hyde. It was like I´d pressed all the right buttons, immediately hitting Def con 1. I´m like, hey what happened to Def con 4,3 and 2? Of course he wasn´t interested in having that sort of conversation which is when I suggested to him that he may be being an ´impatient prick.´
Sometimes my emotions get the better of me and I fear this was one of those occasions. And so, inevitably this is not what Adolf wants to hear and he promptly turns a light shade of purple and explodes at me. He got close to my face to really push home the point of how serious he was. I thought about offering him a Tic Tac but didn´t think this was the moment.
I chuckled at this silly foreigner and went back to the computer. As he jumped up and down, I started to fear he may just combust in front of me. When he realised I had no intention of moving he suddenly just gave up. Although as a parting shot he said ´If you ever call me a prick again I´ll...(here it comes) smash your glasses in to your face.´ What he didn´t realise is that my eyesight is so bad, I need really, really thick glasses, also I have titanium frame, almost indestructible. Who´s laughing now Jack? Or Adolf or whatever you´re stupid name is.

So after that little bit of fun we try and check out of the hotel to catch the plane to Buenos Aires. Except, of course, there´s always something. The hotel accused us of not paying our phone bill. We had, of course, but the fuckwit on the desk hadn´t put the piece of paper with the rest of our bills. So Reception Guy says he has to call his boss, bear in mind this is 5 in the morning on a Sunday. Oh this is going to be good. After a couple of minutes talking Spanish to one another, he hands the phone to me where the manager says he doesn´t remember us paying for the calls. I say ´Well I did.´To which he says ´You didn´t.´ This Bolivian version of Wimbledon goes back and forth for a time until I run out of patience. So I counter his version with the best thing a customer can say in these situations. I said ´Are you calling me a liar´ He started backtracking immediately. ´No sir, I just can´t remember...´ I said ´That´s not my fault, we paid yesterday blah, blah.´ You get the picture. Man I´m on fire today.

On the taxi ride to the airport we were both like ´La Paz sure likes its confrontations. Don´t think I´ll recommend it to my mum.´ And I didn´t. Not that Bolivia was high on her list of worldwide destinations.

So we get to the airport and fly to Buenos Aires via another Bolivian city called Santa Cruz. Of course they don´t have a connections corridor. Oh no. You have to come out to the check in area and go back through security again. Perfect! Except...this airport hasn´t seen fit to invest in X-Ray machines or metal detectors, no, far too simple. This airport has to search everyone and everything...by hand.
I´ve never been patted down so thoroughly in my life. At one point I even thought I was guilty. The guy went through our bags with such meticulous detail I thought, shit he´s going to find that suntan lotion I didn´t pack and think its liquid mercury or something. After about 15 minutes of ball-cupping and making me feel shitty about my love handles he let us through.

So we get to Buenos Aires on a Sunday. And as we drive in I know I´m going to love this city. It just has such a cool vibe. Feels like Spain or France or somewhere.
Anyway, we get to the hostel which, at first, looks great. Bit too colourful for my tastes, a real YOUTH hostel but not offensive. So the child on reception, who still has braces on her teeth, shows us to our room. We´re trying to save a bit of money and this place is a bargain. We find out why when she opens the door to our room. First, it´s not a double bed it´s two singles. Okay not what we asked for but I can live with it for a short while. The room had no windows however and the two beds were the most basic I´d ever seen. I thought, this is perfect for Mother Teresa but I need something a little softer than concrete to lie on. Seriously, it looked like a jail cell and when she closed the door I felt like banging a tin cup against the door or whistling. I made a mental note to buy some cigarettes as soon as possible for protection. When we looked at the shared bathroom I immediately wished I hadn´t. Hair in the plughole, water and something else (let´s not go in to details, we all know what we´re talking about) everywhere, no toilet paper, kind of slippy, lovely.

That wasn´t the best of it though. Nope. The best was to come at 0600AM when the we heard children playing outside, screaming, shouting at the top of their sweet little voices. The property was next to a fucking nursery or something and the nursery opened early. Of course the hostel had failed to mention this when we checked in. Mistake.
So with bloodshot eyes we ´spoke´ to the child on reception and asked to move. To be fair she was very helpful and said we could relocate to another room. Great! Still looked like prison (no windows) but at least it had a double bed with a matress.

So we went and explored Buenos Aires. Gotta say, one of my favourite places I´ve been yet. It´s got steaks to die for, some of the best wine, all for the price of a doughnut in England! Fab. We did a lot of walking in the two days we were there which was fun. Alison had the shits, which wasn´t.

It really feels like London and then you turn a street and you swear you´re in Paris. Then you get to a park and it feels like Sydney. It´s great. Had a little haircut which turned in to a committee. Let me explain. Because no one speaks English trying to tell them what I want involved about 4 people. So the guy would cut and then the others (hairdresser, receptionist, Alison, random bloke in the next chair and dog) would discuss it. Then he would cut some more. Of course whenever you turn these things over to a democracy it always ends up being a compromise with everyone going away not really happy and that´s what happened. Because when I say a little haircut, I mean it´s been two weeks now I need another bloody one! NOTE TO SELF: Next time I need a haircut try not to do it through a branch of the United Nations. I don´t know what the Spanish is for ´Get a haircut´ but I´m sure that´s what people are saying as I walk passed them. I look like a Fraggle.

Buenos Aires has the widest street in the world (16 lanes of shimmering concrete). All very impressive until, that is, you have to cross it. Oh sure they have zebra crossings but why would anyone pay any attention to those. It´s a bit like trying to cross the M25 during rush hour with nothing but your outstretched hand and the occasional ´Whoa! WHOA!´ Boy that was a fun, underpant-changing situation.

All in all though we liked it. So much so that we have booked ourselves an apartment for 2 weeks at the end of March. We need a holiday from our holiday. All this travelling is getting a bit tiring.

There´s more to tell but the guy who owns the Internet cafe is growling at me, maybe he´s just hungry but with an ugly tattoo like that I´m not taking any chances. I will write soon, because I know you all log on every day to check if Dan´s written another blog and try to cover the bitter disappointment when there isn´t one. Then things start getting smashed and you shout at your boss for no real reason. It turns you nasty and I understand that. So here´s part one of this particular blog. Not sure how many more parts are coming but what the hell, numbers were never really my strong part.

Adios

Dan